i’m in love with someone who loves me but will never choose me

I’m in love with someone who loves me but will never choose me.

I could never blame him, though. I was too much of a coward to tell him how I feel, too caught up in my sorrow to acknowledge that I was feeling something for him, too distracted by what I thought was right. I lost the chance to love him because I wasn’t strong enough.

It kills me every time “I love you” escapes from his lips, knowing that he means: “I love you, but I can’t choose you,”.

And as much as I want to keep my promise to never leave him, I want to forget for a while. I want to practice how not to break whenever he talks about her, want to learn how to fold my heart in shatterproof pieces every time his face lights up at her messages.

Sometimes I like to delude myself, drowning myself in make-believe. Doing mundane things with him made me feel as if I can have every day with him: doing the dishes, cooking meals, washing clothes. I can have this with you every day, my love. But it’s not right.

To be honest, I’m afraid I’m not the right person for him. I’m too much and too little at the same time. He couldn’t figure me out, he said. I had to stop myself from saying, “But you don’t have to. You know me more than myself, haven’t you realized that?”. Instead, I just smiled at him.

I don’t think he’d ever understand how much I love him. He came during my darkest night; he took my breath away and breathed beauty back to my life. Tell me, how can I ever let go of the love that made me want to live again? How can I ever let go of the love that made me realize that I am still capable of this much love?

I can almost forgive the world for all the hurt and the pain when it gave me him. It was as if he was the universe’s apology to me, its redemption for all the sorrow. To say he changed me is an understatement as much as an exaggeration. He never changed me intentionally: he made me realize I can be alive.

He is my favorite sunrise and my most beautiful sunset.

I’m in love with him.

I love him.

And I will continue to do so, even if he can’t ever choose me.